Quite possibly the funniest thing ever!



From: Patrick Mallon
Date: Tuesday, November 8, 2011 10:22 PM
To: Google Doodles <[email protected]com>
Subject: I thinks you’re gonna love-love my doodle

Hi Doodles Doods,

I am so excited about my Google Doodle and I think you are going to love it.

I think it would be a perfect tribute for the following dates or events:

      • Sexual awareness month
      • Some awesome guy’s birthday such as:
        • Ron Jeremy
        • Wilt Chamberlain
        • Dave Navarro
        • Caligula
      • Bill Clinton’s inauguration anniversary
      • Body part awareness
      • Valentine’s day
      • Mother’s day
      • Scat Porn (just in general)

Now, I know you need to know all of the nitty-gritty details about how I made it so you can add it to the about page. Well, I drew it with pen and pencil and then colored it in Photoshop. The great thing about Photoshop is that you can change it anyway you please. Here is the original (and preferred) doodle:

You’ll notice that the “G” is a butt, the “oo” is boobs, the “gl” is a cock and balls, and the “e” is a turd. Very nice. But if you would rather keep your original colors, here is a version you may like better:

I’m cool if you use either. I’ll leave the balls in your court, Google!

OK, guys. I’m out. If you want me to do more doodles in the future, just let me know.

High fives!

Patrick Mallon





From: Google Doodles <[email protected]>
Date: Tuesday, November 15, 2011 1:13 PM
To: Patrick Mallon
Subject: Re: I thinks you’re gonna love-love my doodle

Mr. Mallon,

While we appreciate your interest in submitting a Google Doodle, we typically never accept submissions unless we are conducting a contest. Usually we would send you our standard response, but yours required special attention.

Firstly, Google is not a place for pornographic, scat, or sensual images. While our search engine is sometimes used to provide end users with results of that nature, Google Inc. does not celebrate these searches.

Secondly, your submission is confusing. You suggest that your image can be used for an array of commemorative occassions, but its individual components do not support a unified theme.

Thirdly, it is vile. Please do not send us any future submissions. Doing so can be viewed as indecent behavior that we at Google will not tolerate. Proper authorities will be notified if this becomes a trend.

However, again, we appreciate your enthusiasm and hope you continue to use our products.

Best Regards,

The Google Doodle Staff



Gucci Armani Go-Faster Web-Monitoring Shit


Do you know what’s mesmerising? Google Analytics, that’s what. For example, I know by using this fantastic tool (not my penis on this occasion) that this ‘ere blog type thing has been visited by people from the following:


Flowery Branch, Georgia, USA (sounds like a lovely place)

Athens, Greece (surprised that they can afford the internet!)

Neustadt, Germany (sounds German)

Moscow, Russia (where the best porn stars come from)

Geneva, Switzerland (this doesn’t count, it’s Jo of course)

Kinross, Scotland (here be dragons)


Not only does it tell me where they’re from, it also gives such useless information as which browser people are using as follows:

29% – Google Chrome

24% – Internet Explorer (why would you do this?)

21% – Safari (we’re into the iPad lot now)

14% – Opera

12% – Firefox (I thought that this would be much higher, they really missed a trick when they were Microsoft’s only competition, didn’t they?)


There’s a whole lot of other stuff on there which I don’t pretend to understand, but give me a bar chart, a pie chart and a line graph, or some pretty pictures if you will, and I’m a happy bunny.


So, without further ado, thank you to anybody who has taken the time to have a gander. Thanks are also due those who are too incompetent to go to where they really wanted to and a special well done to the people in Germany, Russia and “The” States who managed to come and go in under one second, that’s truly remarkable. Bloody hell, even the Greeks who must surely be using dial-up by now and are therefore paying by the second managed to hang about for 17 seconds. Thanks Greek people, love your work.


Finally, please feel free to leave a comment. Make it really offensive if you wish, it’s unlikely that I’ll take offence. Cunts…




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