You massive pseudo-frog tosser!

 

 

Remember when Steve McLaren made an utter arse of himself? I’d better be more specific, I suppose. Remember when Steve McLaren went to FC Twente and suddenly developed a rather odd Dutch accent? Well, it must be a football thing. Or a tosser thing.

 

http://youtu.be/Z3U-r8T31Ns

 

 

Malcolm Tucker, total fucker. But hilarious.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, I do like this.

 

 

 

 

So long and thanks for all the fish.

 

 

There are days when I think that it’s all just a huge waste of my time. Sometimes, however, I have bad days when I question my time’s validity. I have, of late, been erring toward the latter.

 

Some weeks ago, I believe it may be nine or so, I asked for a meeting to discuss my career path with my current employers. Now, all of these weeks later, I have withdrawn my interest in this enquiry as I have not been furnished with any sort of response at all. Now, had this been a routine assessment of my progress after, for example, the initial twelve months of employment, I’d have little cause for complaint (although it would still be a less than stellar attempt from them at being organised.) This is not the case though. After 12½ years of working for them I had, for some unfathomable reason, expected to be treated with slightly less contempt than this.[1]

 

Fortunately, and I say this with some trepidation, all is not lost. My good friend and manager (of sorts), Keith, has gone out of his way to expand his role in the company to benefit me by assuming the position of public address system.[2] [3] So, without further ado, there is nothing more to say on the subject. Well, that’s his assessment of the current state of play anyway, mine involves going into the office to do my bits and bobs long after everybody else has left for the evening and taking this time in lieu either at the beginning or end of the normal working day. Anyway, all that Keith wants (other than another baby, she’s gone tomorrow) is for everyone to, and I quote, “Come in, get on with their work and have a laugh.” He has been left under no illusion that I will not be laughing until a) I have finished typing my letter of resignation or b) I need wellies to stop my feet from getting wet as I leave the building via the blood-soaked carpets littered with their still-warm carcasses. As I pointed out to him, I am not contractually obliged to “have a laugh” so he can get fucked (or hacked to death, his choice.)

 

All joking aside though,[4] and this is becoming something to rival Alan Partridge’s novel “I, Partridge: We Need To Talk About Alan” in terms of excessive use of the footnote function in Word,[5] it’s time for me to move to pastures new because, as Matt so eloquently put it, they can only take the piss out of me for so long. You see, I am on a level-pegging or better when it comes to wielding a screwdriver and fault-finding on the hardware side, but there are things that I can do on the software, networking and solutions that they can’t even spell. That said, their spelling is truly dreadful but this should not detract from my point. Add to this the fact that I can speak three languages, four if you count Geordie, I can memorise numbers, times, dates and sequences, I can exist on very little sleep, particularly in a job that doesn’t really necessitate me being awake, and I have recently given up smoking and therefore have a dreadfully short temper, and you have the ingredients for a truly awesome Bond baddie. Either that or I’m ready to reshoot Good Will Hunting as a fly-on-the-wall documentary, because we need more of that sort of televisual feast. We need more so-called “reality TV” too.

 

So what to do? Well, my head tells me to change industries and career paths (Ha!) entirely, whereas my heart tells me to rape them blind by taking as much business as possible elsewhere. Once again, an excellent Bond baddie. Many’s the hour I spend playing out various schemes in my head when I’m working on a machine, coming up with ways to hit them where they feel it the most, in their pockets. Unlike them I plan a longer game, with many blows raining down at once yet all with their own minor devastation. I think of their schemes that my 12½ years have made me privy to, the network access that my solutions role has necessitated, the sensitive information that I can copy unchecked and, suddenly, employing Paul Maddison seems like an even more foolish thing to do than everybody already knows it to be. You see, getting rid of that unadulterated fucktard[6] and paying me a proportion of his salary would have served two purposes: firstly, things wouldn’t be damaged / broken / smashed / fucked up as often as they are now and secondly I wouldn’t be looking to leave and fuck them up with considerable malice aforethought.

 

So, if you’re looking to employ a vindictive bastard who reacts with extreme prejudice to being treated with contempt by his employers, please do get in touch. I’m thinking Al-Qaeda, Spectre, the royal family…



[1] Silly fucking me.

[2] I recognise the irony of levelling this accusation in the public domain of this ‘ere blog type thing, but I don’t really give a rat’s ass, tiny or otherwise.

[3] “Public” is a tad unjustified, he just told Shaun. Who then told Steve. And Rob. And probably Sue too. The massive cunt.

[4] There is none, I’m not “having a laugh.”

[5] The format of which being less impressive once I’ve put it on here, I have to say.

[6] I do love the word “fucktard” so, it manages to convey my utter contempt for just about anything with so little effort.

 

 

Woeful Incompetence

 

 

 

Yes, I know, I’ve been fucking useless at updating this ‘ere blog type thing. I’d love to tell you that it’s been because I’ve been busy having massive quantities of sexual congress with a wide variety of women, both paid and unpaid, or that I’ve been too busy tinkering with my shiny new Pagini Huayra to squeeze a few more horses out of the bitch before spanking her around Europe, however both of these would be bollocks. I could also tell you that it’s because Matt the Wonder Brother hadn’t realised that the site had gone down (nor,for that matter, had I until just now,) but as it’s only been off for a matter of hours then I can hardly blame him for that. Still, very shoddy of you, you bumder! IT people, I ask you…

 

No, I am quite simply a lazy fucker whose fingers are tired from fingering my own hoop, metaphorically speaking.  I’ll think of something that “fingering my own hoop” can be a metaphor for once I’ve finished fingering my own hoop – I guess that it’ll just have to mean “trawling YouTube for funny shit and fast cars” or “watching endless porn scenes on xHamster.” Obviously the latter isn’t so much of a metaphor as the first.

 

Anyway, enough of my anally-stimulating claptrap for now, I’m going to go to bed. I’ll be doing a fully-fledged, unabridged entry (there we go, back to the porn again) in the next couple of days, complete with handy tips on how to reset some passwords and move some partitions on hard drives or somesuch.

 

Alternatively I might just review my new favourite porn site, Wowgirls.

 

I bid you all a very good and slightly moist night.

 

 

 

More Useful Stuff

 

 

Well it’s been a while, mostly because work has been being an utter bastard to me. This is the price you pay for being completely awesome I suppose, but if you have a problem, if nobody else can help and if you can find me…well, the office have my mobile number so finding me isn’t such an issue for them.

 

The main purpose of this ‘ere entry (fnar fnar) is to add links to GetMyDN and Softerra, both useful tools for discovering the LDAP path on Windows servers. I’ve included both the 32 and 64-bit versions of Softerra (it’s a far more in-depth sniffer than GetMyDN) and also the Winrar installation files to save you from hunting around for them.

 

Winrar 32-bit

Winrar 64-bit

GetMyDN

Softerra LDAP Browser

 

In other news, not much has happened. I fell asleep at the front table in a Jazz club in front of a live band with a very attractive female singer/saxophonist on Saturday, thanks largely to excessive alcohol consumption with Chris Franks. Surely this was not the best way to win her over? That said, as she was (and probably still is) married I’m pretty sure that I stood no chance in the first place but, in true Dumb and Dumber style, I hadn’t given up hope with Mary Samsonite.

 

It is with deep regret that I began watching the final episode of House tonight. It was awfully good and I’m not ashamed to say that I felt the stinging of a tear in my eye towards the end. If I wasn’t so engrossed in The West Wing and Game Of Thrones then I’d consider starting the whole thing again, however I simply don’t have the time. I also finished Homeland, a most excellent offering, but the whole thing became a bit messy towards the end. Hopefully the second series will be less of a guessing game now that the proverbial cat is out of the damned bag.

 

And with that I shall retire to watch Thrones. After I’ve made myself a cheese and chorizo toastie, that is.

 

 

Old people – funny as fuck

Most remiss of me.

 

Yes, I know, but I’ve been busy and shit.

 

Anyway, I promised my little brother that I’d post something as he’s migrated the site to a new host and, being a man of my word, here is said post.

 

I shall endeavour to post something of substance in the near(ish) future.

 

 

This says a lot about me…

 

 

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.

 

 

Quite possibly the funniest thing ever!

 

 

From: Patrick Mallon
Date: Tuesday, November 8, 2011 10:22 PM
To: Google Doodles <[email protected]com>
Subject: I thinks you’re gonna love-love my doodle

Hi Doodles Doods,

I am so excited about my Google Doodle and I think you are going to love it.

I think it would be a perfect tribute for the following dates or events:

      • Sexual awareness month
      • Some awesome guy’s birthday such as:
        • Ron Jeremy
        • Wilt Chamberlain
        • Dave Navarro
        • Caligula
      • Bill Clinton’s inauguration anniversary
      • Body part awareness
      • Valentine’s day
      • Mother’s day
      • Scat Porn (just in general)

Now, I know you need to know all of the nitty-gritty details about how I made it so you can add it to the about page. Well, I drew it with pen and pencil and then colored it in Photoshop. The great thing about Photoshop is that you can change it anyway you please. Here is the original (and preferred) doodle:

You’ll notice that the “G” is a butt, the “oo” is boobs, the “gl” is a cock and balls, and the “e” is a turd. Very nice. But if you would rather keep your original colors, here is a version you may like better:

I’m cool if you use either. I’ll leave the balls in your court, Google!

OK, guys. I’m out. If you want me to do more doodles in the future, just let me know.

High fives!

Patrick Mallon

 

 

 

 

From: Google Doodles <[email protected]>
Date: Tuesday, November 15, 2011 1:13 PM
To: Patrick Mallon
Subject: Re: I thinks you’re gonna love-love my doodle

Mr. Mallon,

While we appreciate your interest in submitting a Google Doodle, we typically never accept submissions unless we are conducting a contest. Usually we would send you our standard response, but yours required special attention.

Firstly, Google is not a place for pornographic, scat, or sensual images. While our search engine is sometimes used to provide end users with results of that nature, Google Inc. does not celebrate these searches.

Secondly, your submission is confusing. You suggest that your image can be used for an array of commemorative occassions, but its individual components do not support a unified theme.

Thirdly, it is vile. Please do not send us any future submissions. Doing so can be viewed as indecent behavior that we at Google will not tolerate. Proper authorities will be notified if this becomes a trend.

However, again, we appreciate your enthusiasm and hope you continue to use our products.

Best Regards,

The Google Doodle Staff

 

 

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