It’s better than not crashing the shit-tip American piece of arse.





Fenton’s Really Done It This Time



If you haven’t seen it before, this is Fenton the labrador chasing a load of deer through Richmond Park. Fenton is in turn being chased by his understandably panicking owner…



Now some bright spark has sampled the owner’s voice and slapped it over this scene from Jurassic Park. It’s brilliant!



It Worked, Now You’ve Broken It



Facebook, the perfect place to go to become confused, disorientated and to miss important information. Why do these people find it necessary to piss about with something which works perfectly well or has an easy-to-use drop-down menu?


I’m talking about the news feed, if that wasn’t already obvious. One can study the news feed in minute detail yet, upon looking at a friend’s profile, there are things there which have not appeared in the feed. Then one looks at the feed using an app for iPhone or Blackberry and the content has changed once again. Even combining the content of both the PC and the phone does not result in getting all of the information. It’s baffling.


Apparently some boffin at Facebook felt that an algorithm could better determine what I want to see than I can. I have had my viewing content censored by a formula. Unfortunately the formula doesn’t work, however being Facebook this isn’t relevant and we will both put up and shut up. My iPod uses an algorithm to determine the “shuffle tracks” order, even that isn’t truly random, but at least it does work which must be a first for anything free from Apple.


Then, for reasons best known only to some thick-lensed glasses geek at Facebook, they’ve added this ridiculous sidebar feed thingy with the chat window underneath. The latter worked fine the way it was so why not keep users on their toes by shuffling things around the screen ad nauseam? And what is that stupid feed on the right anyway? What does it do? Why, for tonight at least, do the main feed, the side feed, the pop-up window, the notifications globe whatsit and my phone bear no resemblance to each other in terms of time? I get a comment notification as a pop-up, a minute or so later it hits my phone, 7 minutes later it appears in the side bar and a minute after that the globe glows red…ridiculous! If I had more than one comment then I wouldn’t know whether I was coming or going, what I’d read and what I hadn’t.


Having scoured the internet for literally minutes, I can report that there are no settings which can be changed by us normal people which would allow Facebook to function fully. They don’t even give the option of installing an update which can then be reverted to a previous version when it’s wanky (I give you Adobe reader X – 9.4 as an example of this,) thereby telling me what I want to read despite my protestations. Next they’ll be doing the equivalent of burning a huge pile of books and telling us that the content is “un-Facebook” and that we should invade neighbouring countries. Or something.



Metal Star Wars Genius Guitar Guy Thing





Did I mention…



That I have to sit through a health and safety update meeting next week? Honestly, some cunt in a 2-for-£100 suit telling me how to climb ladders safely? Really? Have you lead a climb up an exposed arete? Can you set up a belay? Can you put one foot in front of the other without falling over? No, can you bollocks, get fucked. If there’s any sign of the bugger repeating his instructions of how to adjust the seat in my car, he’ll be getting a mouthful of abuse then too, the sanctimonious wanker. Well, by the end of it I’ll have sky-high blood pressure and be a couple of hours closer to the grave, how’s that for health and safety? Have you thought about doing something a bit more useful? Picking the sleep from your eyes with hedge-cutters maybe? Or taking a crash course in not being one of those people who read a leaflet and became the sodding expert? If there isn’t a leaflet for the last one, I’ll design one for you with the sole purpose of you leaving me the fuck alone.


What a dick.



This says a lot about me…



Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.



Full Of Festive Cheer



What a day! Here, using bullet points and other equally dull things and beginning at the point when the shit hit the proverbial fan, is how today went.


  • 11.21 – call helpdesk to inform them that I am nose-deep in a lake of shit and they will have to reallocate my work to the other engineers.
  • 11.22 – call line manager to appraise of the situation. He’ll ring me back.
  • 11.30 – get call back from line manager and discuss the fault.
  • 12.19 – place initial call with Ricoh for assistance, explaining the nature of the fault in nauseating detail. This is passed to Level 2 Support as a tricky one.
  • 13.27 – call helpdesk to update.
  • 13.58 – get call back from Ricoh and explain the nature of fault in nauseating detail for a second time. I am advised to ring back when the machine’s working. If it were working, why would I ring back? Fucking retard.
  • 14.41 – get another call back from Ricoh advising that “it’s probably a sensor” or something equally useless. Ignore this as bollocks as all sensors have been checked already.
  • 14.51 – line manager calls to check on progress and is informed that I am “doing very badly.” I am cheerily advised to carry on.
  • 15.33 – call helpdesk to update.
  • 16.33 – line manager calls to check on progress, by which time reinforcements have arrived in the form of Big Geoff. I am told to carry on.
  • 16.56 – call Ricoh back and inform them that the fault is now on both machines having swapped parts between them. They advise that a faulty motor has probably blown a board and both machines will need these parts.
  • 17.25 – call line manager. No reply.
  • 17.26 – receive call back from line manager and inform him of our findings and Ricoh’s advice. We have arguments concerning various topics, including why I had been there all day, why we had blown up 2 photocopiers, why he hadn’t shown his face earlier in the day, why he hadn’t mentioned bailing out sooner and so forth. Give it up as a waste of time.
  • 17.40 – forget to turn off the A19 at Killingworth and get butt-fucked by the traffic jam for Moor Farm roundabout.
  • 17.55 – go to McDonalds for coffee and the Co-Op for cigarettes. Contemplate dowsing myself in (company expensed) petrol and setting myself alight whilst leaving a note saying simply, “Dear twunt, get fucked.”


So, another fucked up day in the glamorous world of photocopiers. What pisses me off more than anything else is the veiled insinuation that I have done something wrong or, and I suppose this is moderately better and slightly more accurate too, I haven’t done something which would have been right. Although I say it myself, I am exceptionally good at my job. Ok, my customer service skills could maybe do with a little honing and I do get exasperated by the helpdesk staff, not to mention my boss, but there are things which I can do which nobody else in the company can and this seems to pass everybody by as a given.


Which reminds me, I haven’t had an email which I requested to be sent to remind me to do something which nobody else can do, without which I’d most likely forget due to the shit tip of a day I’ve had. What’s worse, it’s something which I should have been asked for prior to today but wasn’t, necessitating a further visit to a customer’s site, and now they STILL haven’t asked me. Hang on, I’ll just send a scathing email to my boss…


Right, I almost feel better now that I’ve got that off my chest, this is so cathartic. Not as satisfying as running amok with an HK MP5K through the corridors of our building, but somewhere legally close.


Speaking of my customer service skills, or a lack of, I pissed Tanya off last night on Facebook to such an extent that she stopped speaking to me. Being the grown-up chap that I am, I publicly apologised and when this got no reaction I asked whether I was forgiven. When she failed to answer that I really manned-up – I deleted the entire post and unfriended her sorry ass. She’ll be sorry next time she calls me out to her office, I’m going to pull her hair and call her stinky-pants. It’s a shame though, I like Tanya, I’d quite like to do bad things to her.


Well, I’m off to catch up on House and a bit of old South Park. I might have a poo too.



Quite possibly the funniest thing ever!



From: Patrick Mallon
Date: Tuesday, November 8, 2011 10:22 PM
To: Google Doodles <[email protected]com>
Subject: I thinks you’re gonna love-love my doodle

Hi Doodles Doods,

I am so excited about my Google Doodle and I think you are going to love it.

I think it would be a perfect tribute for the following dates or events:

      • Sexual awareness month
      • Some awesome guy’s birthday such as:
        • Ron Jeremy
        • Wilt Chamberlain
        • Dave Navarro
        • Caligula
      • Bill Clinton’s inauguration anniversary
      • Body part awareness
      • Valentine’s day
      • Mother’s day
      • Scat Porn (just in general)

Now, I know you need to know all of the nitty-gritty details about how I made it so you can add it to the about page. Well, I drew it with pen and pencil and then colored it in Photoshop. The great thing about Photoshop is that you can change it anyway you please. Here is the original (and preferred) doodle:

You’ll notice that the “G” is a butt, the “oo” is boobs, the “gl” is a cock and balls, and the “e” is a turd. Very nice. But if you would rather keep your original colors, here is a version you may like better:

I’m cool if you use either. I’ll leave the balls in your court, Google!

OK, guys. I’m out. If you want me to do more doodles in the future, just let me know.

High fives!

Patrick Mallon





From: Google Doodles <[email protected]>
Date: Tuesday, November 15, 2011 1:13 PM
To: Patrick Mallon
Subject: Re: I thinks you’re gonna love-love my doodle

Mr. Mallon,

While we appreciate your interest in submitting a Google Doodle, we typically never accept submissions unless we are conducting a contest. Usually we would send you our standard response, but yours required special attention.

Firstly, Google is not a place for pornographic, scat, or sensual images. While our search engine is sometimes used to provide end users with results of that nature, Google Inc. does not celebrate these searches.

Secondly, your submission is confusing. You suggest that your image can be used for an array of commemorative occassions, but its individual components do not support a unified theme.

Thirdly, it is vile. Please do not send us any future submissions. Doing so can be viewed as indecent behavior that we at Google will not tolerate. Proper authorities will be notified if this becomes a trend.

However, again, we appreciate your enthusiasm and hope you continue to use our products.

Best Regards,

The Google Doodle Staff



The Senses


Why I Changed My Facebook Name…


Aside from being ordered by a fit bird, I like the name. Here’s the other Seb falling off Parthian Shot prior to him repeating the route…




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