You know when you have those days when there’s never a sharp/heavy implement handy when you need it? Well, for the first time in who knows how long that was not the case today.


Ok, so that wasn’t true, I’d have loved to have stabbed Keith in the ear today as he shamelessly did fuck all once again, but it would be nice, just for once, to be able to say that with conviction. You see, this is a recurring theme throughout my working day, the overwhelming urge to inflict injury on my colleagues. Every rotten phone call from the “help” desk starts with the phrase which sends shivers of purest loathing down my spine, namely “Hi Chris, sorry to bother you…” If you’re sorry to bother me, STOP FUCKING DOING IT.


Finally for tonight, it’s worth introducing you to the characters in the piece. They are:


Phillip: Senior “help” desk person and the closest thing to an arch-enemy in the office these days. There are no words to describe this level of downright stupidity.


Maddison: One of those people who can take apathy and laziness to whole new levels. If you’re familiar with the member of staff who would quite happily sit and stare blankly into space all day until they are given something to do, Maddison is the guy running seminars on how to achieve this higher plain of disinterest.


Justin: He’s not really called Justin, he’s called Nathan, however the resemblance to that Bieber cunt is uncanny. I also refer to him as Aidan by mistake, a homage to our dear departed drug-addled colleague who quite literally fucked off and died a couple of years ago. Never ever leave the company, people die suspiciously shortly after. Well, just Aidan actually, but it’d be awesome if that happened more often.


Keith: My boss. It’s a constant source of disappointment that I am answerable, sort of, to Keith as he is…how can I put this kindly…a piss-poor excuse for a manager. If buddying up to every man and his dog is the managerial way forward, if success is measured by how much people think that you’re a thoroughly amiable chap because you occasionally get “fliers” then Keith would be the best manager of all time. However, as management partially consists of being a bit of a bastard and mostly involves motivating and guiding the staff, he’s almost entirely useless.


Me. Well, I have no business being there for so many reasons. My attitude veers from workaholic to belligerent indifference, I’m forever berating others (usually Phillip) for their fuck-ups and this is construed as bullying and, most notably, I’ve been involved in several physical altercations with members of staff during work evening events. On the other side of this coin, however, are the two most compelling reasons why I should be doing something other than this; I am far too intelligent and it’s a waste of both my time and potential, and secondly I want to be somewhere (or anywhere for that matter) else. The frustration generated by the last two points  is really what leads to my attitude etc as detailed previously, thus the vicious circle spirals out of control. Oh, and I’m better than everybody else without really trying too, that’s very important if more than a little conceited.


Customers: We have them. I like some, I loathe others, I want to do sex things to a high proportion of the female ones.


There are, of course, many minor characters who you may come to know over time, however as it’s now 1.20 and I have work followed by beer tomorrow, I’m going to bed.


9,043 Responses to Welcome!

  1. I think you’re in the wrong job, always have me rolling, what about stand up and you could moan n whine to your hearts desires. My manager sounds pretty much like yours, useless and the way he clicks his feet along the floor when he walks, grrrrrrr, pick ya feet up ya knob!

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