Welcome!

You know when you have those days when there’s never a sharp/heavy implement handy when you need it? Well, for the first time in who knows how long that was not the case today.

 

Ok, so that wasn’t true, I’d have loved to have stabbed Keith in the ear today as he shamelessly did fuck all once again, but it would be nice, just for once, to be able to say that with conviction. You see, this is a recurring theme throughout my working day, the overwhelming urge to inflict injury on my colleagues. Every rotten phone call from the “help” desk starts with the phrase which sends shivers of purest loathing down my spine, namely “Hi Chris, sorry to bother you…” If you’re sorry to bother me, STOP FUCKING DOING IT.

 

Finally for tonight, it’s worth introducing you to the characters in the piece. They are:

 

Phillip: Senior “help” desk person and the closest thing to an arch-enemy in the office these days. There are no words to describe this level of downright stupidity.

 

Maddison: One of those people who can take apathy and laziness to whole new levels. If you’re familiar with the member of staff who would quite happily sit and stare blankly into space all day until they are given something to do, Maddison is the guy running seminars on how to achieve this higher plain of disinterest.

 

Justin: He’s not really called Justin, he’s called Nathan, however the resemblance to that Bieber cunt is uncanny. I also refer to him as Aidan by mistake, a homage to our dear departed drug-addled colleague who quite literally fucked off and died a couple of years ago. Never ever leave the company, people die suspiciously shortly after. Well, just Aidan actually, but it’d be awesome if that happened more often.

 

Keith: My boss. It’s a constant source of disappointment that I am answerable, sort of, to Keith as he is…how can I put this kindly…a piss-poor excuse for a manager. If buddying up to every man and his dog is the managerial way forward, if success is measured by how much people think that you’re a thoroughly amiable chap because you occasionally get “fliers” then Keith would be the best manager of all time. However, as management partially consists of being a bit of a bastard and mostly involves motivating and guiding the staff, he’s almost entirely useless.

 

Me. Well, I have no business being there for so many reasons. My attitude veers from workaholic to belligerent indifference, I’m forever berating others (usually Phillip) for their fuck-ups and this is construed as bullying and, most notably, I’ve been involved in several physical altercations with members of staff during work evening events. On the other side of this coin, however, are the two most compelling reasons why I should be doing something other than this; I am far too intelligent and it’s a waste of both my time and potential, and secondly I want to be somewhere (or anywhere for that matter) else. The frustration generated by the last two points  is really what leads to my attitude etc as detailed previously, thus the vicious circle spirals out of control. Oh, and I’m better than everybody else without really trying too, that’s very important if more than a little conceited.

 

Customers: We have them. I like some, I loathe others, I want to do sex things to a high proportion of the female ones.

 

There are, of course, many minor characters who you may come to know over time, however as it’s now 1.20 and I have work followed by beer tomorrow, I’m going to bed.

 

8,356 Responses to Welcome!

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  1045. Hey this is somewhat of off topic but I was wondering if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding know-how so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience. Any help would be enormously appreciated!

  1046. The Zune concentrates on being a Portable Media Player. Not a web browser. Not a game machine. Maybe in the future it’ll do even better in those areas, but for now it’s a fantastic way to organize and listen to your music and videos, and is without peer in that regard. The iPod’s strengths are its web browsing and apps. If those sound more compelling, perhaps it is your best choice.

  1047. Superb blog! Do you have any tips and hints for aspiring writers? I’m hoping to start my own website soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you suggest starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many choices out there that I’m totally confused .. Any tips? Cheers!

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  1049. Hi there would you mind sharing which blog platform you’re using? I’m going to start my own blog in the near future but I’m having a difficult time making a decision between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal. The reason I ask is because your design and style seems different then most blogs and I’m looking for something unique. P.S Apologies for being off-topic but I had to ask!

  1050. Hi! Quick question that’s entirely off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My site looks weird when viewing from my iphone. I’m trying to find a theme or plugin that might be able to resolve this issue. If you have any recommendations, please share. Cheers!

  1051. Neat blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere? A design like yours with a few simple adjustements would really make my blog jump out. Please let me know where you got your theme. Thank you

  1052. Hey there! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any problems with hackers? My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing many months of hard work due to no backup. Do you have any methods to stop hackers?

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  1054. Do you have a spam problem on this website; I also am a blogger, and I was curious about your situation; we have developed some nice practices and we are looking to swap methods with other folks, why not shoot me an e-mail if interested.

  1055. Hey would you mind letting me know which hosting company you’re utilizing? I’ve loaded your blog in 3 completely different web browsers and I must say this blog loads a lot quicker then most. Can you suggest a good hosting provider at a fair price? Many thanks, I appreciate it!

  1056. Howdy just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The words in your content seem to be running off the screen in Opera. I’m not sure if this is a formatting issue or something to do with browser compatibility but I figured I’d post to let you know. The style and design look great though! Hope you get the problem solved soon. Thanks

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  1060. Hey! Do you know if they make any plugins to safeguard against hackers? I’m kinda paranoid about losing everything I’ve worked hard on. Any suggestions?

  1061. First of all I want to say terrific blog! I had a quick question which I’d like to ask if you do not mind. I was curious to know how you center yourself and clear your thoughts before writing. I have had difficulty clearing my thoughts in getting my thoughts out there. I do take pleasure in writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are usually wasted simply just trying to figure out how to begin. Any recommendations or hints? Thank you!

  1062. Hello, i read your blog from time to time and i own a similar one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam feedback? If so how do you reduce it, any plugin or anything you can recommend? I get so much lately it’s driving me mad so any help is very much appreciated.

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  1067. Hey there this is kind of of off topic but I was wanting to know if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding expertise so I wanted to get guidance from someone with experience. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

  1068. My developer is trying to convince me to move to .net from PHP. I have always disliked the idea because of the costs. But he’s tryiong none the less. I’ve been using WordPress on various websites for about a year and am nervous about switching to another platform. I have heard good things about blogengine.net. Is there a way I can transfer all my wordpress posts into it? Any help would be greatly appreciated!

  1069. Today, I went to the beachfront with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!

  1070. Hey there! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could find a captcha plugin for my comment form? I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having problems finding one? Thanks a lot!

  1071. Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you knew of any widgets I could add to my blog that automatically tweet my newest twitter updates. I’ve been looking for a plug-in like this for quite some time and was hoping maybe you would have some experience with something like this. Please let me know if you run into anything. I truly enjoy reading your blog and I look forward to your new updates.

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  1097. Hey this is kinda of off topic but I was wanting to know if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding knowledge so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience. Any help would be greatly appreciated!